Tuna Time! Strike that…period(.)

I set out to write a humorous entry on the crazy antics of my two cats and how everytime I open a can of tuna they go nuts. It is a really good topic that is sure to make any cat lover smile. I am certain a few would have even had a story of their own to share. Sadly, that will have to wait until a future time because I have something so much more important to talk about: my mood swings.

Today I woke up with a pounding headache that screamed for a cup of hot caffeine complimented by a large slice of cake. Instead I took a cold shower and drank water, forgetting all of those lovely vitamins lined up and waiting on my bathroom counter. I told the hair dryer to piss off and left for work with hair that looked like a rat had just built a nest in it. When I arrived, I swung the door wide open, declaring a war zone on anyone who went within five feet of me. I don’t think they would’ve wanted to be near me anyway because during my short ten minute drive to work, I developed a severe case of halitosis.

I chugged another two glasses of water while scanning 20 emails from no named clients and then decided to check my horoscope. It was a bad decision. Probably the worst all day because my horoscope told me I was going to get my red lady friend. I jumped up, ran the five feet to our centrally-located, everyone can hear everything bathroom and slammed the door behind me (it is a one-seater). Lo and behold my horoscope was spot on, no pun intended. What a day. No breakfast, crappy  horoscope and for once it turns out to be true.

Exiting the restroom, my coworker advises me that I have a phone call. I grumble to myself as I pick up the phone and cheerily greet the person on the line. I spend the next 25 minutes listening to some lady in arkansas who is bent on going to our school but doesn’t have a computer, doesn’t know how to read and doesn’t want to pay a dime. Inside I am telling the lady that the toilet she needs to stick her head in is just around the corner but what is coming out of my mouth is actually pleasant. I tell her that she should go to school! I understand she doesn’t have much and that can just be soo tough! I would love to give her classes for free but I think I would get fired if I did. Trust me, if we had a dollar for every person who wants to go to school for free, I would be able to take off one week a month. People are wonderful. I chant this to myself as I get off the phone all the while resisting the urge to strangle myself with my telephone cord. Ten minutes of banging my head against my keyboard relieves me none. Gladly, the next 7 hours of work pass in a blur.

With work finished for the day, I drag myself to my car. As I peer in my window I realize some bird has shit all over my car. Of course. I park under a tree to beat the 110 degree weather and some bird decides it is his or her own litterbox. I spit on my window and rub the bird poop off with the corner of my purse. That will have to do until payday. Getting into the car I feel my heart quicken. I was going to pick out a new phone and couldn’t wait! All day I was so patient and this was my reward.

Ten minutes later I was standing in front of the verizon store employee. It wasn’t a pretty picture. Me – I had what was left of a badly needed cup of coffee in my hand, dripping onto the floor and crazy hairdo thinking to myself what a waste of coffee that was. The salesperson – drenched in coffee. To complete the picture I was screeching in ungodly pitches at this moron who wasn’t able to help me get a new phone. I left the store with 20 pairs of eyes boring into my back.

Finally home, with no new phone, I ordered a pizza. I nearly ate the delivery guy when he arrived and tried to steal his pen to boot. After shoving cash in his face, I closed the door and devoured the entire pie within 20 minutes. My hormones appeased I sank into a deep sleep forgetting about my awful day and dreaming of one full of rainbows and pink balloons.

(okay, okay… most of that was made up but it made you laugh, didn’t it?)