Grief

All of us have lost someone near and dear to our hearts whether through death, an argument that couldn’t be amended or by a move where over time the relationship suffers. I have experienced all three and each time it hurts no less than the last. You might think that over time we, as complex as we are, could adjust to the changes preventing pain from the next transaction yet, for myself, it isn’t so. I hold my friends close. If you are in my life then you are IN my life. If you are not, then you are not at all. I have disdain for acquaintances so hold very few in my personal life. A personality flaw or a personality treasure? I tend to think it could go either way but a friend made me think of it in a new light recently. She said “Yes, it could be a flaw, but you give back as much as you expect so maybe it isn’t…” This got me thinking – do we expect too much from the people around us? And what is the underlying reason for that? I think for some it is selfishness and for others it is a guard. This guard is supposed to magically prepare and protect us from pain in life but without pain, how would life truly be? How would we grow? So many questions arise from such a simple yet super complex topic. Is it worth spending time analyzing these questions? Perhaps that is a question that could be answered with both a yes and a no…like a dog chasing its own tail.

I recently lost a close friend myself. Although it was not through death, I feel as if it was. This is the problem with holding your friends so close – it kills you to let go. Just as with death, there is a grieving process that includes denial, anger, and then hurt. It is the hurt that I grapple with the most. The inability to work things out leaves me feeling raw and hurt. It just plain stinks to trust someone to wake up one day and realize they are human too and hold the ability to hurt you. This could be applied to so many relationships beyond friendships…our parents, our spouses, our teachers that we look up too…So what is the answer then to all this madness? How does one stay sane without hiding from all that life has to offer? I chalk it up to gumption. When we fall down…we try, try again. Simple to say, hard to do. Not every dog is going to bite you, every car accident will not turn into road rage and not every spouse will smack you around. Only the brave will find this out and will have a better life for it. So each time we go through something hard, we emerge a new person. Today I say goodbye to my former self and walk forward as a changed person, who added one more experience and a renewed sense of understanding to the madhouse that I already am.

Lancaster, PA

Lancaster Pennsylvania holds nostalgia for me – especially the city. I miss it. I think about my cozy, one bedroom apartment high in the city on the 8th floor, with its huge window and welcoming balcony. I used to spend hours laying on that balcony soaking up the soft rays of winter sunshine. or writing to my hearts content to then fall asleep to the sound of the local fire station’s trucks. Never would I have imagined that the sirens would become my lullaby. Frequently, I would buy sunflowers at the local market and joyfully place them all over the apartment spreading cheer to every crack and corner. My cats and ferret would congregate in the middle of the living room floor, in a pile, for a nap. It was idealistic, and it didn’t stop there; the greatness extended out to the city beyond my doorstep…

I would often bundle up in a sweater, scarf, mittens and a hat and wander the streets of the city in 30 degree weather in search of something wonderful to photograph or people to watch. Other times, I meandered while organizing my thoughts about life. If this was a movie then some melancholy music would begin playing and I would be shown walking past picturesque establishments with a smile on my face and snowflakes would  fall. The city was bustling with artists and the young who deemed themselves individualistic. Nose rings, colored hair,  and pheasant wear all complimented by raging passions for human rights. They sat in coffee shops laughing over the stories or their day, discussing the plight of the women in Darfur and how to get people to vote. I  was envious. I wasn’t fun like them. I wore normal clothes and had nary a piercing or tattoo but I shared in their idealistic goals of life and humanistic passions. I would sit next to them, blending in with the corner and  just listen to their banter, wishing that I could have that too. Where did I fit into this big mess we call life, where was I going and was there any real reason?

Sadly, life wasn’t really how I remembered it. I was a distraught young person in the aftermath of a divorce. Everything I spent building, in the last seven of my twenty two years had been destroyed. I was on autopilot; going through the motions but not really there. It was the goading of a friend that gave me a spark. That spark would carry me across the country to a new life. It started with a phone call which turned into a trip to walmart for a the largest road map I could find. Sitting in my living room of my apartment I ran my fingers along the roads I know quite well now. University, Baseline, Beardsley…all memorized and categorized. I quivered with anticipation knowing this needed to happen quick, before I chickened out. Gathering up my map quickly, I jumped into the car and drove 10 miles over the speed limit to my parents house. After the customary greetings, I sat them down at the diner table, spread out my map, pointed to a dot and said “I am moving here.” There was silence and with tears in her eyes my mother said the words that sealed the deal  “I think this will be good for you.” This was the begining of MY journey to find out who I was going to be when the pieces were brought back together.

When nothing happens …

When nothing happens in my day to inspire a blog then I sit on the rug in my kitchen and pout. Today is one of those days. It was a normal, grumpy Monday. Perhaps a bit grumpier than normal because we just returned from a three day weekend. Nothing spectacular happened so I am left grasping for interesting material. Here are a few ideas I had: 1) Michael Jackson – he really was a pedophile, right? Interesting how fame and accomplishments can forgive even the worst sins in many people’s minds,  (Nah…too controversial) 2) A story about how I kept pointing to an area of my shirt to my co-worker who would then look at his shirt to see what was going on. (Not too lengthy…humorous none the less) 3) My cat left two clingers on the floor tonight and was desperately trying to hide them with my blankets. (absolutely hilarious but again not enough material for an entire blog). And so here we are. I’m still blanking on anything good to write about and it is 36 minutes before my bedtime.

Sadly, since my battery is about to die, I’m going to sign off. Sorry for the boring blog … I will be brewing up a good one real soon.

p.s. Paris Hilton is retarded.

TMI – Too much icing?

TMI. Too Much Information. We use this phrase daily, as teenagers, when our parents, friends or teachers tell us something personal that we don’t want to hear. Funny how when we grow up we begin to use it ourselves. Let’s explore some of the common situations that could be classified as a modern day TMI.

Although typically mild, announcing that you need to use the restroom could be classified as TMI. There are various ways to do this: “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom” or “I need to pee, move”. Even better would be “I have to take a massive dump, everyone move out of the way and don’t go into the bathroom for at least 20 minutes”. Occassionally we are blessed with the old ladies in the grocery store that want to tell us about their bowel movements. They are my favorite! They tend to lean towards you, while passing gas, and tell you that the bean burrito they ate yesterday is trying to make a grand exit. Or what about the unashamed man in his forties that just makes wind as he picks out a loaf of bread? Since we are on the topic of gas I just have to mention how much it makes me laugh when people use public restrooms to have a bowel movement. I laugh, not because it is embarrassing or innapropriate but because it just sounds funny. I condone public restroom use – just wipe the toilet seat with lysol first. Aren’t I horrible?

Back to TMI… All of my friends cringe when they think about their parents having sexual relations. This is probably the #1 TMI topic. Oddly, it bothers me none. Let them have their fun and here’s hoping that when I am 50-70 I still have a healthy sex life. Since this is a sensitive topic, I won’t expound. It is as simple as this: Do not talk to your children about your sex life. Period. No ifs, ans or buts.

I’m starting to see a pattern – are you? TMI is almost always about bodily functionality in some way, shape or form. How is it that something so ingenious has become the topic non grata? Perhaps talking about bodily functions would be fun…shall we?

You know what I hate? Stomach noises. As a child, I had a stomach that held conversations with my friends and at bad times at that! I would press my textbook to my stomach during bible class, hoping that it would shut up or no one would notice. As a middle schooler,  I would grab a few bites of apple between class in hope of appeasing the monster within. Then as an adult I would sit as far away from everyone as possible in meetings at work. Last week I discovered gas-ex and things have never been the same.

What about vomiting? Most commonly occurring with sickness or excessive drinking. I choose the later as the top contender in the United States. Every weekend thousands upon millions of college aged students droop over their toilet bowls (if they make it that far) to cough up the remains of yesterday’s breakfast. Others grace the kitchen trash, a lawn, and at worst, the cat pan. What? It functions as a toilet for some creature! For the record – I don’t vomit. gross.

I am sure that I could come up with lots of other obnoxious bodily functions to pick on such as wiping boogers on the walls of public restrooms but I will save that for another time. I would much rather open up the floor and see what you guys think…any TMI moments to share?

Tuna Time! Strike that…period(.)

I set out to write a humorous entry on the crazy antics of my two cats and how everytime I open a can of tuna they go nuts. It is a really good topic that is sure to make any cat lover smile. I am certain a few would have even had a story of their own to share. Sadly, that will have to wait until a future time because I have something so much more important to talk about: my mood swings.

Today I woke up with a pounding headache that screamed for a cup of hot caffeine complimented by a large slice of cake. Instead I took a cold shower and drank water, forgetting all of those lovely vitamins lined up and waiting on my bathroom counter. I told the hair dryer to piss off and left for work with hair that looked like a rat had just built a nest in it. When I arrived, I swung the door wide open, declaring a war zone on anyone who went within five feet of me. I don’t think they would’ve wanted to be near me anyway because during my short ten minute drive to work, I developed a severe case of halitosis.

I chugged another two glasses of water while scanning 20 emails from no named clients and then decided to check my horoscope. It was a bad decision. Probably the worst all day because my horoscope told me I was going to get my red lady friend. I jumped up, ran the five feet to our centrally-located, everyone can hear everything bathroom and slammed the door behind me (it is a one-seater). Lo and behold my horoscope was spot on, no pun intended. What a day. No breakfast, crappy  horoscope and for once it turns out to be true.

Exiting the restroom, my coworker advises me that I have a phone call. I grumble to myself as I pick up the phone and cheerily greet the person on the line. I spend the next 25 minutes listening to some lady in arkansas who is bent on going to our school but doesn’t have a computer, doesn’t know how to read and doesn’t want to pay a dime. Inside I am telling the lady that the toilet she needs to stick her head in is just around the corner but what is coming out of my mouth is actually pleasant. I tell her that she should go to school! I understand she doesn’t have much and that can just be soo tough! I would love to give her classes for free but I think I would get fired if I did. Trust me, if we had a dollar for every person who wants to go to school for free, I would be able to take off one week a month. People are wonderful. I chant this to myself as I get off the phone all the while resisting the urge to strangle myself with my telephone cord. Ten minutes of banging my head against my keyboard relieves me none. Gladly, the next 7 hours of work pass in a blur.

With work finished for the day, I drag myself to my car. As I peer in my window I realize some bird has shit all over my car. Of course. I park under a tree to beat the 110 degree weather and some bird decides it is his or her own litterbox. I spit on my window and rub the bird poop off with the corner of my purse. That will have to do until payday. Getting into the car I feel my heart quicken. I was going to pick out a new phone and couldn’t wait! All day I was so patient and this was my reward.

Ten minutes later I was standing in front of the verizon store employee. It wasn’t a pretty picture. Me – I had what was left of a badly needed cup of coffee in my hand, dripping onto the floor and crazy hairdo thinking to myself what a waste of coffee that was. The salesperson – drenched in coffee. To complete the picture I was screeching in ungodly pitches at this moron who wasn’t able to help me get a new phone. I left the store with 20 pairs of eyes boring into my back.

Finally home, with no new phone, I ordered a pizza. I nearly ate the delivery guy when he arrived and tried to steal his pen to boot. After shoving cash in his face, I closed the door and devoured the entire pie within 20 minutes. My hormones appeased I sank into a deep sleep forgetting about my awful day and dreaming of one full of rainbows and pink balloons.

(okay, okay… most of that was made up but it made you laugh, didn’t it?)

“Keeper of 19th Avenue”

Today I needed pads. So I braved the 109 degree heat and slid into my little car then zoomed down to the local dollar general. (p.s. For all of you who are bent on saving money – go there! Walmart is great but dollar general offers generics which are cheaper than anything walmart has on their shelves…) When I reached my destination I exited my car and inwardly groaned when I saw him. It isn’t that he is a bad person or anything but he has a bad memory so one ends up having the same conversation with him twice – once when you go into the store and second when you exit. He hangs outside the stores at the local shopping center, with his teddy bears and flowers tucked into the basket on the front of his rusty bicycle. He is short with long, dirty gray hair, wears glasses and smokes like a house on fire. To some, he would be your typical, annoying homeless man. To me, he is someone who reminds me of what I do have and keeps me from complaining about the difficulties in my life.

As I walked past him he handed me a copy of a recent newspaper article. Scanning the headline it dawned on me that it was about him. As I strode towards the feminine products section I continued reading the article and was surprised at the content. According to this report, our local homeless man had a rich history of making millions and spending them. He claims to have worked for hugh hefner as a photographer when he was young, then sped off to vietnam and returned to become a multi-million dollar salesperson. hmmm. First thing that I thought was that the wool had been pulled over the reporter’s eyes. I actually laughed! His reason for being broke now is that he wanted to spend all his money while he had it because one never knew when they would die. This sounds like movie material that we would all tear up over but in real life how ridiculous is that? Would you waste away all your money in lieu of securing your future should you perchance ever become a pensioner? The article is vague saying that no one knows where this man sleeps at night yet he mentions family. It also states that he is the keeper of 19th avenue – watching out for all the shop owners and keeping the riff raff away. I cannot help but be amused at that thought – keeping all the riff raff away. How ironic!

I am a soft hearted person so I am glad to see that this man had his day in the limelight. He was clearly proud that someone had taken the time to hear his story and wanted to share with everyone passing by. His story is far fetched but more power to him if he is out of his mind and remembers a life so full of excitement and success.  I left the store and chuckled as he offered me a second copy of his article while asking me if I had a cigarette mentioning that he thought I would since I was “hot”. Getting into my car I watched him approach a few more people, offering an article to each. He is shameless and loving it.

Hello world!

Thank you for visiting my new blog! If you are reading this then you probably already know me, so no need to expound on who I am. I wanted to start a blog to write about my observations of my world, for shits and giggles. Check in often and feel free to comment. I appreciate honesty so if  you think I’m full of baloney, let me know! More likely than not I am going to laugh.